checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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