happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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