Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
