Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
