My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
