don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
