I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Randomize
