Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
