It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
