So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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