gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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