Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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