Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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