I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
