Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Randomize
