If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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