If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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