Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
