She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
