ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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