Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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