I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
