at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
