: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
