I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
