I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
