I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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