Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
