why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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