you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
