I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
