but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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