I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
