I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
