So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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