Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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