Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
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