I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
