Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize