Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
