I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
