you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
