So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
