Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
