I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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