he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
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