My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
