It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize