the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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