rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
