My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
