Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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