Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Randomize