you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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