I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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