well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
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